Terra Earth Christmas Carol

I did this, but it never got edited... enjoy it anyway.


A Terra Earth Carol

Grossly plagiarized by: Jason Tandro
Note: Some of the originally promised roles have changed.

Boxxle Harley was dead, to begin with. A miser and robber baron of Terra Earths biggest imports and exports, now but smoldering ashes in the ground. Enter eFlare, the miserable tyrant and partner of Bacon Harley, EvenEasier Scrooge. He walked down the hallway, leaving the wake an hour early to return to his office. He was stopped by Dpit and Blade, who were holding a sign that read:

Descendents of Viagra Fiana Charity
Please give as much as you can, yuppies!

“Ah, EvenEasier Scrooge, one of the most eccentric in the money-lending and bookkeeping business! May I borrow some of your time, or at least some change.”
Scrooge growled. “What may I ask are you?”
“We are collected for the poor and needy on this Christmas Eve. And as a well-respected member of society, I am sure you can afford but a pence or two. Now what should I put you down for?” Dpit asked.
“Nothing.” Replied Scrooge tersely.
“You wish to remain anonymous?” Blade asked.
“I wish to be left alone!” Shouted Scrooge, walking down the hall.
“But sir!” Said Dpit chasing after him. “It is for the less fortunate. Have some compassion!”
“Oh?” Began Scrooge. “Are there no prisons? Are there no poorhouses? Isn’t XenaJen still running a brothel?”
“Well, yes,” replied Dpit uneasily.
“Oh, good then. For a moment I was worried,” chuckled Scrooge.
“But sir, some would rather die than go to prison.” Dpit retorted.
“Well if they’re going to die they better do it, and decrease the surplus population!” Shouted Scrooge walking out into the snow. He made his way across Freejia to his place of work, the Scrooge Lenders of Illegitimate Money, Eccentricities and Yummies (or SLIMEY for short).

Inside there was a great deal of fuss. The sound of scratching pens was almost deafening, and that meant good business for Scrooge. But there was an aberration. His nosey nephew KaleFlame.
“Merry Christmas Uncle EvenEasier,” KaleFlame smiled.
“Christmas? Bah, Humbug.” Scrooge replied, not even turning to look at his nephew.
“Humbug? Oh EvenEasier you don’t mean that. I was actually wondering if you’d like to come to our Christmas party tomorrow. My wife and I are expecting you.”
“Oh yes. I recall the poor lass. Why did you marry her?”
“Because I was in love, Uncle.”
“Love. Hahaha. That’s the only thing more of a humbug than Christmas,” Scrooge laughed.
“Oh, you don’t mean that eFlare,” KaleFlame smiled.
“Stop calling me by that name!” Scrooge shouted. “Get out of here!”
And with that, KaleFlame went out into the night of the cold Christmas Eve.
This seemed to be the best time for an ill-learned Axe Hatchet to make his only request of the year.
“Ah, Mr. Hatchet. Good to see you working hard,” Scrooge said.
“It’s near closing time, Sir.” Axe replied, in a soft, timid voice.
“Very well then. You may head on home. See you tomorrow at 8:00 AM.” Scrooge replied, still concentrating on his work.
“Um,” began Axe. “Mr. Scrooge? Tomorrow’s Christmas.”
“8:30 then. And don’t be expecting a bloody party, it’s BYOB as always.” Scrooge replied.
“Uh, sir, I don’t believe half and hour is customary time off for Christmas Day.”
“Well then how much time is customary?” Snapped Scrooge.
“The,um… whole day Sir.”
Scrooge looked completely befuddled. “The entire day?”
“All other business’ will be closed. You won’t have anyone to be doing work with.” Axe reasoned.
“That is a poor excuse to pick a man’s pocket every December the 25th. But as I am the only one here who seems to understand that…. take the day off.” Scrooge relented.
“Thank you very much, Sir!” Axe exclaimed as he went out the door.

That evening, Scrooge made his way home. Now you must remember that Boxxle Marley is dead, or else everything that follows will not seem wondrous to you.
Scrooge walked up the cold stairs. He did not spare light a lamp. Darkness was cheap, and Scrooge liked it that way. He sat down in his chair by the fire. And without any cause that can be reckoned, a small brass bell above his fireplace made a soft CLINK.
“Who’s there?” Asked Scrooge.

CLINK. CLINK. CLANG!!!

The sound of the bell softened as Scrooge heard footsteps coming up the stairwell. Chains dragged behind them, rattling and wailing, and if only for a moment, Scrooge felt sure that the audience knew something that he didn’t.

“Who’s there?” Shouted Scrooge.
The only reply was a soft, but firm. “Scrooge.”
Scrooge turned around to see his old partner, Boxxle Marley standing before him bound in chains. Bet you didn’t see that coming did you?

“Joan Hatchet! What are you doing here!” Scrooge shouted. “Oh, no.. sorry force of habit whenever I see chains.”
“Perfectly alright,” Boxxle replied. “Now SCROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!”
“Yes, I’m here, we’re in the same room, you can speak a little softer.” Scrooge replied.
“I am here to warn you. The fate that has befallen me will befall you! I am damned for eternity for my black hearts devices!”
“But you were always fair, hardworking, attentive to your business-“
“BUSINESS! MAN-KIND WAS MY BUSINESS! HIS WELFARE WAS MY BUSINESS!” Boxxle thundered.
“No, you were a Banker, that’s the exact opposite of your business!” Scrooge retorted.
“Hey, I had a life outside this job you know. I worked my entire life to cancel HMO’s for the middle class all because I felt that it was a stroke of communism in this otherwise fine society.” Boxxle replied. “But that is hardly the point. I will digress no further. I will be completely upfront. I’ll get to the bottom line. I’ll sum it up for you.”
“SO DO IT ALREADY!” Scrooge shouted, a little vein in his forehead popping up.
“We’re in the same room, no need to shout,” mocked Boxxle. “Tonight you will be visited by three ghosts. The ghosts of Terra Earth Past, Present and Future.”
“Ghosts? I think I’ve quite had it with ghosts for tonight. And what does TerraEarth have to do with Christmas?” Scrooge asked.
Boxxle picked up one of his ghost chains and began hitting Scrooge with it. “STOP…POINTING…OUT...PLOT HOLES!”
Boxxle sat down. “As I was saying only by these visits can you hope to rekindle you love of Christmas and TerraEarth and is the only way you will ever have a chance of not ending up like me!”
Boxxle made his way down the stairs.
“Wait! Don’t leave me!” Scrooge shouted.
“Expect the first ghost, when the bell tolls one!” Boxxle shouted as he vanished from sight.

RING!
The first bell of the night. It was one in the morning and Scrooge was still fast asleep in his bed. Suddenly an illuminating figure entered into the story by way of plot hole.

“Wake up Scrooge,” Rainichan said.
Scrooge got up with a start. “Are you the ghost who’s forthcoming was told to me?”
“I am. But we don’t have time for introductions. We’ve only got one night and I’m on a tight schedule. Come on, let’s go,” Rainichan said, opening a window.
“But… I can’t.” Scrooge said. “I am mortal, and liable to fall.”
“This is the net, you dummy and I’m a ghost. Now if that isn’t enough to make you stop pointing out your plot holes I’m going to let you burn in hell!” Rainichan shouted. “Take my hand and I’ll do the rest of the work.”

As if awakening from a dream, Scrooge and Rainichan were back in eFlare’s younger days on TerraEarth…

[I]

eFlare jumped into the center of the tower. “This is it! You have to fight together! You can win!”

With that Jason Tandro jumped into the air and performed a devastating flurry of lance attacks. Axe Kazama smashed through Flamez with his axe. Joan_Michelle used her Ashura to cut through the tail of Flamez. Dpit fired RedRiotz auxillary rounds on the wings. TK and TH smacked into it with clubs. FE used Flare on it. SBF used his most powerful attack The Super Fast Manly Bitch Slap. And finally eFlare, Boxxmann and KaleFlame smashed the character information for Flamez.

With that Rainichan began to glow brightly. “DATA DRAIN!”

But Flamez wasn’t going to go down that easy. It cast it’s own Data Drain, just like Lenc.

“I can’t hold on!” Raini shouted. “I’m too weak!

“Raini!” Axe shouted.

“Rainichan!” Joan cried.

They both jumped behind her. They held her, but there was nothing else they could do. Flamez’s Data Drain beam was slowly advancing.

“What now?” KaleFlame asked Boxxmann.

“If they can hack, so can we damnit!” Boxxmann shouted. “eFlare. Use the condenser program. Target= Rainichan!”

With a few key clicks, the program began. All the persons there had their posts drained from them and go into Rainichan, thus increasing her level. The Data Drain beams stopped.

“We’ve used everything, but it’s still a stalemate!” eFlare cried.

“What now?!” Boxxmann yelled.

“Wait a minute! The old posts! The flames! We can use those too! Give Ark4Elle a taste of her own medicine!” KaleFlame replied.

Another set of keys. The program began putting Ark4Elle’s own posts into her.

“Hey Ark! Don’t mind if we use these do ya!” KaleFlame called mockingly.

Rainichan’s beam grew stronger and began to overpower Flamez’s beam. “Don’t worry! We’re gonna give ‘em right back!” KaleFlame shouted.

With that Rainichan’s beam blasted through Flamez who’s shell was completely destroyed, along with it, was all of the history of TerraEarth. Ark4Elle’s character began to dissapear.

“It doesn’t matter. You are all at level 1 now. One way or another, my vengeance is complete,” Ark4Elle grinned.

“So is ours,” eFlare said, walking up to the battered character data. “Your posts included your MSN, YIM, and AIM accounts too. They have also been deleted.”

“DAMN YOU!” Ark4Elle shouted as his character data fell to pieces.
[/I]

“Do you remember?” Rainichan asked.
“Yes. I helped save TerraEarth from destruction. But you can’t possible expect me to worry about things like that. Don’t you remember what happened to me afterwords?”
“As a matter of fact, I do.” Rainichan replied.
And in a blip as fast as Jason Tandro typing in some cheap text, they were at another location. Copy/Paste.

[I]

“This is interesting,” eFlare commented.
“What is?” Boxxle asked, looking up.
“It seems as though he died of some sort of bacteria,” eFlare commented.
“Really...?” Boxxle asked.
eFlare looked up. “Have you figured something out?”
“Joan said that Blade frequented her bar. Muerte knew that I would also be at the bar and therefore, logically speaking, that must have been the real crime scene. All Muerte would have to do would be to slip poison in the food.”
“So he did kill Blade!” eFlare replied.
“No, he couldn’t have. Because we have a small problem.” Boxxle said.
“And that is?”
“All the servers were female. There would be no way for an obtrusive man like Muerte to sneak into the kitchen. He must’ve had a woman do it for him.”
“But who could that be?” eFlare asked.
“You can’t think of anyone?” Boxxle asked. “Joan mentioned that he always pawned off some pieces of their personal property for gambling money. When he entered the arena, his wife must have made the meeting between him and Muerte, where the cash would be exchanged. And then to stop the money from being lost for good, she struck a deal with Muerte to get the money back.”
“You mean she killed her husband for money?” eFlare asked.
“Yes. But there is still the question as to why Muerte would want Blade killed,” Boxxle commented.
“I can tell you,” said Fixy, walking in with a gun in her hand. “Because we were lovers. And that oaf of a husband was doing nothing but getting in the way.”
Boxxle grinned, placing his hands in the air. “I would have guessed sooner if I had only stopped to remember that you wrote an article in the newspaper.”
“But you didn’t. And now I can not only get rid of my boorish husband, but Terra Earth’s most famous detective,” Fixy grinned.
“Not likely!” shouted a familiar voice from the doorway. In burst Deathpit who fired a bullet from his gun, hitting Fixy’s hands. “Hope you didn’t just get your nails done!”
eFlare made a cross over his chest. “I’ll never say the Punch-Up is fake again.”
Boxxle picked up the gun. “It doesn’t seem like your lover Muerte has the time to deal with you anymore. Other wise he’d be coming to your rescue right about now.”
He handcuffed Fixy, and sat her down against a desk.
“Although it is a disappointment that he didn’t see fit to show up,” Boxxle thought.
“There’ll be other cases Boxxle. Don’t worry,” eFlare said.

[/I]

“And remember what happened to me and Fixy?” Scrooge asked.
“You were married. I didn’t see that one coming. As a matter of fact, nobody did. Look!” Rainichan pointed to the figures of Fixy and Scrooge walking down the road.

“Oh, eFlare. It’s so wonderful that you decided to marry me. But why would you, an Administrator and famous detective’s assistant give it all up for me?” Fixy asked.
And as the next words were spoken by the phantom, Scrooge whispered along as well. “I love you.”
“Do you see now? You gave up everything for her. Doesn’t that mean anything? Does her sacrifice mean nothing to you?” Rainichan asked.
“No, please don’t show me that.” Scrooge begged.
A bright light surrounded them…

[I]
“So there you are! You left me with 100,000,000 yen debt, and a screaming kid, and a perverted mob boss just because Joan came on to you!” Raini shouted, smacking Freedan.
”But I was…”
“Joan comes onto everybody!” Raini smacked Freedan again.
“Hey!” Joan shouted.
The group stared at her.
“Oh, alright fine…” Joan muttered.
“Well you see,” Freedan was cut off by another smack.
“And to top it all off I see you went to Tokyo,” Raini pointed at his suitcase. “Without me!” Smack. Smack. Smack.
“ MAY I AT LEAST EXPLAIN MYSELF! YOU SEE I WAS LOCKED AWAY BY THIS MOB BOSS!” Freedan shouted.
“Oh. That’s very different. Nevermind,” replied Raini. She ran up to hug him.
“Wait a minute!” Jason shouted. “Before you smother him a passionate montage of lovey-dovey stuff I have something to say!”
[/I]
“Why did you show me that?” Scrooge asked.
“Whoops, sorry. Let’s go back a bit.” Rainichan replied.
Another bright light, and they were standing in a field. Scrooge stood next to Fixy, but this time, it was winter.

“She left me,” Scrooge said.
“Why did she leave you?” Rainichan asked.
“She said I was too focused with money. She could never live with me,” Scrooge said.
The phantom Fixy smacked Scrooge.
“She also found my porno collection.” Scrooge replied.
[Authors Note: Jason Tandro does not use or support the use of pornography in any way.]
They returned to Scrooge’s house.

“Scrooge. I must leave now. But please remember. There is much for you still left on TerraEarth. If you spend the rest of your days as you are now, then there is no point left in living,” Rainichan said. And with that, she left.


Later that night…

“COME OUT, AND KNOW ME BETTER, MAN!” Came a bellowing voice.
Scrooge woke, again startled by the sudden and unwelcome intrusion into his home.
A gigantic knight stood outside his bedroom. He was at least eight feet tall and wore shining armor.

“I take it you are the ghost of TerraEarth Present?” Scrooge asked.
“Indeed. And a Dark Knight to boot.” Chuckled the tall spirit. “I am Freedan.”
“So what do you have to show me?” Scrooge asked. “Let’s roll.”
“Very well, if you insist.” Freedan said. And with that, Scrooge grew suddenly spherical and bounced down the stairwell into the street.
[Authors Note: Pay no attention to this idiot behind a pseudonym.]

They arrived at the home of Axe Hatchet, who was sitting down to Christmas dinner with his wife, Joan Hatchet, and his child, Tiny SBF. They were cooking a small goose, and had a table set for meager portions.

“Christmas Eve Dinner,” Joan sighed. “How sad and boring.”
“I love it though. I remember that it was Christmas last year that you decided to stop seeing XenaJen and marry me in a token fashion so that this story could be written.”
“Damn it,” Scrooge sighed.
“Haha! You can’t point out a plot hole here!” Freedan grinned.
“Well, I gave up a lot of stuff. Like kissing, and doing it, and bondage, and everything worth doing to anybody anywhere.” Joan groaned.
Axe took a taste of the goose. “And cooking, I note with some dismay.”
Joan punched him in the stomach. “Shut up. I’m going to log off for a while to check out some porn sites before I kill myself over your obviously sexually deficient charisma.”
“And I’m going to send a thank you PM to Mr. Scrooge.” Axe said.
“What?!” Joan asked. “That bum treats you like a bum, which you are. However your low status reflects on me, and therefore I hate his guts.”
“But he is a kind employer. He let me take tomorrow off,” Axe smiled as he sent the token PM.
Scrooge smiled. “There is a dedicated worker.”
“Your so nice, Papa.” Tiny SBF grunted.
“What happened to your voice son?” Axe asked.
“Shut up alright. I’m friggin’ older than you and I gotta play Tiny Tim. So either shut up or I’ll say some rather uninspiring words on this holiest of nights!” SBF shouted. “I’m going with mommy.”
“Uh, we shouldn’t be here,” Freedan said.
They made their way down the street, to an abandoned road.
“Scrooge, your actions affect everybody. Why, take a look at those less fortunate than the Hatchet family.” Freedan said.
A group of people were huddled around a fire. One had found a small animal, probably a rat, and was beginning to cook it.
“Who are these poor miserable people?” Asked Scrooge.
“The people whom you evicted. They have nowhere else to go. They just collect together. Even those who have done no wrong to you.” Freedan said pointing at the children.
“But business is business,” Scrooge tried to defend himself. “I could not possibly have done this. I didn’t want them to die.”
“Die? Ha! Well if they’re going to die then they better do it. And decrease the surplus population!” Freedan grinned.
“But…”Scrooge again protested.
“Are there no prisons? Are there no poorhouses?” Freedan asked.
And as the haunting image of Scrooge’s own words echoed in his head, the road fell away and became nothingness. And Scrooge was left in a vast blackness, as the bell tolled three o’clock.
A large specter walked up to Scrooge. He wore a black cape, and had no face. He carried a scythe high above his head.
“I only know of one man who carries a scythe. Flamez?” Scrooge asked.
The figure nodded. And Scrooge heard a whispering voice in his head.
[I] This is what happens to the damned and dead of TerraEarth. Come and see your life as one of us… [/I].

The blackness was replaced by a cemetery. A group of people were gathered outside. “Good riddance I say. Best that old bastard be dead.” Said one man.
“Aye. And he’ll never hold much esteem again.” Said another. “A poor and broken down useless old crock!”
Other torments came as well, but this story is wearing a bit thin, so I’ll cut to the chase.
“Spirit? Who is that man that they are talking about?”
Flamez pointed to a grave in the far right. Scrooge walked up to it and wiped off the snow from the cover. A grim cold plaque read:

EVENEASIER SCROOGE

“No!” Scrooge shouted. “No, it can’t be! Spirit, please forgive me! I’ve learned my lesson! Please take me back! Take me back!”

Birds hummed in the distance, and bright sun rays bursted through Scrooge’s window. Scrooge shouted into his pillow. “Take me back.” Until he finally woke up. It wasn’t easy, he had just seen his entire life in one night and that leaves a hell of a hangover.

Scrooge rushed to a window. He saw Aoiga passing by. “You there! What day is it?”

“Today?” Aoiga asked. “Why it’s Christmas Day of course!”

“Christmas Day? The spirits have done it all in one night. Well of course they can… um anyway. Listen. Is there still a turkey for sale down on the market that I never passed and therefore could never have possibly-“
Scrooge felt a large chain hit him in the back of the head.
“Just buy the damn turkey.” Scrooge rubbed his head and tossed Aoiga a pack of 500 gil.

Aoiga bought the turkey and followed Scrooge to Axe Hatchet’s house. Scrooge knocked on the door, while Aoiga hid. Axe opened the door.
“Oh, Mr. Scrooge. To what do I owe this unexpected pleasure?”
“You did not come into work today.”
“But you said I could take the day off,” Axe begged.
“I said nothing! I am tired of you acting all rubber-legged Hatchet. You give me no choice but to RAISE YOUR SALARY!” Scrooge shouted.
“But sir! I…. raise my salary?” Axe Hatchet asked.
“Yes. And here,” Scrooge beckoned for Aoiga to come forward.
The turkey was set down on the small wooden table and invited the entire town, which somehow miraculously fit into the small house. So Scrooge did learn the true meaning of whatever this fanfiction was about. There was peace in TerraEarth for all of it’s days. And as SBF observed “When do I get paid for this shit!”

BTW: After this fanfic, everyone went back to their normal roles. Thanx for calling ya’ll out.